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Funniest. Amazon Review. Ever

By A. Chappell

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

         I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

         At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

          Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

           Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/RMSBINADT0S6S/ref=cm_cd_pg_pg4?ie=UTF8&asin=B000KKNQBK&cdForum=Fx3E9F09PFIB4H6&cdPage=4&cdThread=Tx1LHF1SCK1LVVH&store=drugstore#wasThisHelpful

The 'R' Word

Too many people throw around the 'R' word . . . racist. It makes me completely insane.

Partly, it's the writer in me throwing a hissy, but primarily, it's my sense of frustration regarding the dialogue, or lack thereof about race in our country. Do I believe Dr. Laura to be a racist? Absolutely not. Do I believe she harbors prejudices regarding blacks and others? Absolutely. Do I harbor prejudices? Absolutely.

People persist in crying racism, when what they really mean is prejudice. What's the difference? My mother knows the difference. Her father was killed by a couple of white men out on a lark. Her stepfather knows the difference. During the Korean war blacks were allowed to use the base swimming pool on Fridays only. On Saturdays they drained the pool. Racism, institutional and otherwise, is prejudice set aflame by fear and hate.

Prejudice is a human failing. One we all share. I have friends who will complain about some minor indignity  endured at the grocery store or dry cleaners; who will then say something completely ignorant about Asians. Not any particular nationality, just lump all Asians together and make a ridiculous generalization.

As a child infected by six o'clock news coverage of a sea of handcuffed black men; I remember coming out of my reverie (a constant state with me back then) to see a black man coming up the street and being frightened for no reason other than the fact of his blackness. We are all vulnerable to buying into stereotypes without examining them.

The problem with characterizing a common human failing as something hateful; is that it ends the conversation. We can't talk about race across racial lines in this country. We won't get anywhere until white people can ask a question  or make a statement which may reveal prejudice or ignorance without being fitted for a white hood. That kind of has to be the first step. Anyway, just had to get that out of my system.