17 May 2010

It Was Like A Mafia Don's Funeral

She was a little runt of a stray...but wow, talk about personality, she had wayy more than her share.

She had no front claws (I hated to, but she kept her claws out all the time, I still bear the scars), she was teeny tiny, old and rickety, but still made huge dogs cringe.She has defended her territory against all manner of intruder; from three-year old kid to fully grown realtor.

Even with me, the only human she adored; Nina was cranky and demanding. Every little inch the curmudgeonly; "you kids get off my lawn!" lovable. 

These qualities and many more besides made her memorable. I wish I had a nickel for every time my friends have said: "How's your crazy cat?" "How's Nina doing?" "Do you still have Nina" "How's your cat? She does not like me."

And then late last year, she began to get sick. Really sick. Not "you made me move one too many times so now I'm gonna pull out all my hair' sick. But, 'there's a funny little thing under my tongue. Did I hurt myself when I pulled out all my fur' sick and 'I can't groom myself, even thought it's my favorite thing', sick.

I felt the ticking for months. The clock counting down the minutes to the end of our time together.

When she came home with me, I was twenty and she could fit in the palm of my hand. The kittens at the shelter were sleeping balls of fur. All except for this adorable, svelte black kitten, who curiously tested the air in my direction. When the lady came in to open it's cage, all of the kittens woke up. And suddenly I was eye to eye with a fluffy grey and black striped tabby with huge green eyes and a very pink nose. It was Nina. She started to purr. And I was lost.

She was afraid of wind. And hands...but not feet. At first I was always stepping on her because she'd follow me into a room and curl up behind my heel. She loved french fries. But only if they were hot. She did not like children. She did like men. There was another kitty in the mirror, but Nina would only try to get at it if she thought I wasn't looking.. Being laughed at offended her dignity.  And she preferred to drink her water by dipping a paw and licking it dry.

I tried denial until it became delusional. I tried bargaining.until the deal-breaker. When 'I can't groom myself, even thought it's my favorite thing', sick,  became "I can no longer eat," sick. Sitting in the car on the way to the vet's I was still hoping, hoping, I was wrong. I knew what I was preparing to do and yet could not imagine coming home with an empty carrier.

My grief did not surprise me. My friends did. My former roommate and 'sister from another mother' surprised me with flowers and a card. Another bought an orchid. All called, or wrote, or in some way honored the loss of my crazy feline friend.  And honestly, given her personality...the outpouring of support surprised me a little. It was a little like a Mafia don's funeral. Either that, or the measure of true and dear friendship.

13 May 2010

Thursday Thirteen: What I've Learned So Far

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On Becoming Film Producer
1.  Failure is your friend. I could trot out the expected cliche, 'Failure is a great teacher'. It's true, but not my point today. Each failure adds value to the next attempt. 

2.  Never take no for an answer. Sooo obvious, right? But it's a miracle how many times we chicken out when someone puts an obstacle before us. I grow feathers far more often than I'd like to admit. 

3.  Be humble! If we were Spielberg, we wouldn't be talking to the assistants.

4.  Assistants are your friends.

5.  Don't be seduced by the glamour. Say this to yourself whenever your ego starts resembling that of a mini-mogul; "It's about the work." 


6.   It's the screenplay, stupid. If the story sucks, don't bother.

7.   Don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. Sometimes we must compromise in order to win the bigger battle. So what if this film is going straight to video? You're building a reputation. Which brings us back to...

8.   Reputation is everything. The movie business, probably more most, is a relationship business. Don't be a jerk and don't lie; unless you want to be known as a jerk and a liar.

9.   Learn from everyone. 

10.  Help others wherever possible, you never know how that might come back to you in the future.

11.  Don't give up.

12.  Don't give up.

13.  Don't give up.

These are some of the things people have taught me matter so far. It's mostly common sense stuff. But you'll be amazed how quickly sense flies out the window when getting started in the biz of Dream Making. Yes, I'm still uncredited...for the moment. However, this is still good advice and your mileage may differ.






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03 May 2010

...A Thousand Words

I'm shy.
Sort of.
Not really.
Okay, it's like this. It's my face. I have zero control over what appears on it. Every stray thought and emotion starts in my eyes and makes its way over my lips and cheeks (complete with wait for it...a visible blush. Lovely!) and into my eyebrows.There are few people who like playing their cards close to the chest more than I. There are even fewer who are as spectacularly bad at it as I am.

Want to know what Maya *really* thinks? Ask her a question and then watch her face.

Perhaps, there is some lingering tribal suspicion regarding little soul-sucking boxes, perhaps not. At any rate, the notion of my naked soul, preserved in the moment for whomever cares to see; sets off reflexive butterflies in my gut. The idea of seeing revealed and preserved some stray thought not covered by my personal Freedom of Information Act freaks me out. So when "smile pretty for the camera" time comes around; what would I do? Go blank and paste on a smile.

This is crazy. I know it's crazy. None of us can expect to move through the world completely invulnerable. Our vulnerability is what elicits the best of human emotion in others; compassion, empathy, generosity, protectiveness, love.

Still, in my younger days, my primary goal was self-containment. This woman was an island. Looking back, I realize few people were more ill-equipped for that role than I. At my core, I feel deeply connected to humanity, it is in my nature to love deeply and forgive freely.I'm a sap. Such people are rarely invulnerable. Why was I so afraid for others to catch a glimpse of that girl?

Nowadays I'm better. But still, If you want a great picture of me, don't let me see you comin'.